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26/01/2006 Kiss The Rain------Chapter III...A fresh breeze whispered through the trees and puffed across the river right down of my room, outside of my window, pushing the waves into bigger and bigger ones...There isn’t a cloud in the sky, so the brightly shining sun, the high flying birds , and even the little dust drifting here and there can be clearly seen. What a sunny day! But…waving to and fro with the falling leaves of winter, it is drizzling in my heart…in a lonely and weak heart, tears of the sky has been pouring down for a whole winter, not too fast, not too slowly, not too hard , not too gently but ceaselessly and endlessly…even when the spring is just around the corner, even on such a bright sunny day, the rain’s still falling inside…bringing a cold hint into my heart. Still in my little room, still sitting in front of the screen, still typing my mood down word by word, still “enjoying” the silence and loneliness with myself…some days ago, I was taught that people always become adapted to the things that come along gradualy and slowly…That is quite true…I’m getting to know that “alone” seems to be one part of my life already. I’m getting to know that “blue” seems to be the theme color of my mood already. I’m getting to know, every day is the same blank and every night is the same cold…from Haining to Hangzhou in the hot summer and back from Hangzhou to Haiing in the cold winter, the earth changed her clothes from green to yellow then to white while the shape of my heart never changed…I’m adapted to singing love songs with myself at every single night, I’m adapted to speaking from the heart with the never-answered computer, I’m adapted to falling asleep with a hopeful dream and waking up with a cruel reality, I’m adapted to dreaming and running foolishly and weakly even though it seems like another Kua Fu's race with the sun… “Kiss the rain”…listening to it, at this moment…silently…open the box of my past, open the box of every happy and unhappy moment of the past few months ------ You told me …“Happiness is defying the past”. Well, my happiness is burried in the past, it is burried in your words, in your voice, it is burried on that morning, on the day you said “It’s rainning…”, it is burried on that evening, on the day I dreamt that I was your “prince”…I still remember… I used to be hopeless, I used to be self-abandoned, I used to lack of determination and confidence. But you told me, it was you who played this song to me…”Kiss the rain”------I’ll never forget its name,I’ll never forget that I was brought back by your song. I’ll be waiting, I’ll be waiting for the day when I’m listening to the peaceful song on a warm, bright, sunny afternoon,together with the girl who played it to me and gave me courage… Sorry, my girl..Sorry, I can’t wait any more..I can’t wait for you bringing me back to the ever-appeared dreamland……Coz’ today, I can’t help listening to the song again, on a bright, sunny afternoon, by myself, thinking of you, the girl fills my heart…Sorry, I love you… The rain goes on falling…gently…silently…it won’t disturb anyone, it won't flood anything but my heart…it made an impression of summer, it left the footprints of autumn…Is it bringing an end to winter and taking me to a warm spring? Well, I know… It has been all arranged, not by God, but by you... ----------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 海洋,薇薇姐,胖子,Susan......这就是我现在所拥有的所有朋友么? 其他人呢? 为什么从那些人的身上,我感觉不到一丝朋友的温度,闻不到一丝朋友的味道呢? 不要生气,日子一天天地过,却觉得自己一天天远离人群了...是的,是我,是自己不再愿意敞开心扉,不再愿意用最真实最脆弱的自己去面对他们了.我不再和他们无话不谈,也不再和他们形影不离了..骨子里多了一种味道,叫哀伤.就像苦丁茶一样的苦,不经意间就会觉得自己很脆弱,很无助,很痛苦...我曾试图找回自己,试图找回那个乐天的,"无所不能"的自己;我曾试图找回他们,试图找会那些笑着的,围在我身边的,"无时不在"的朋友.相信我,我很努力很努力的想要找回那"蜂蜜水"的日子,那淡淡的,甜甜的日子..那即使在我人生最低谷时仍有"朋友"相拌,让苦涩变干醇的日子..如今，绚烂已过，我也告别了"蜂蜜水"的年代，而少了蜂蜜水调和的苦丁茶是否更加苦涩？我用清水取而代之，并学会独自面对无味，学会让心也变的透明……可这透明之后,却有掩饰不了的悲伤和孤独,这透明只会让它们显得愈发明显..而在没有princess的黑夜里,发现自己更是脆弱得一碰就碎... 当生日只是收到零星的来自寥寥数人的祝福时;当新年只能呆呆地对着天花板对自己说新年好时;当面试前独自一人撑着伞,顶着冬季刺骨的寒风,排着数百米的长队时;当侯考前眼睁睁地看着对手或在朋友.或在家长的陪同下自信满满地等待挑战时;当临考前心里默念着那曾经被成功演绎,为自己带来无数荣耀的演讲稿时,我却感觉不到哪怕一点点来自"他们"的支持..清楚地记得,进入考场前的一分钟,我关掉了手机..觉得那是多余的东西,是没有用的负担,是不会给我带来勇气和自信的累赘...也就在那一刻,我才发现,原来自己是如此的孤单..是lonely,不是alone. 想不到,在自己的内心深处,那个我愿意与之一诉衷肠的人竟然是S,那个曾经让我遍体鳞伤的人.或许只有在她面前,我才是真正没有防备的..至少,她最了解我,我也最了解我自己..从一边失去,又从另一边得到..上帝是公平的.只是...她只是成为了那1/5, 五个我仍怀揣希望和期待的好朋友之一...然而,这又能改变什么呢? 我仍在用忧郁的蓝色书写着更加忧郁的孤独,不是吗? Comments (1)
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