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19/08/2005 August, 18th—— How are you, My love?Fortune always like playing tricks on us, we ordinary persons. In the endless flow of life,time and tide coexists with storm and thunder. And about the same time, happiness and sorrow are inseperable as Siamese twins, too. Just take the case of me, I should have been living a simple life, a life of ease,but she came upon me more or less unexpectedly by chance, or rather Fortune’s arrangement. No sooner had she broken into my dream than I stepped into a life full of expections as many as dissappointments. For too many days, I could do nothing but to stand alone and look at her from a distant place, although I was not able to see her clearly at times even…Every time I miss her so much, I just write, write something to console my empty heart with thousands of words, so that I will not be that free of time to think of her.I just pray, pray for someone to berry my strong inner calling deep under the ground, so that it will burst into a beautiful bloom sweet enough to attract her attention and to keep her by my side… I am always involved in a tangle, some inexpressible anguish, endless loneliness. The more I think, the worse my mood is. Unfortunately, It looks as if I’m still insensible of my danger------Am I repeating the tragedy? Am I still the one I used to be? Am I making them all happen again? I don’t know whether I should regret, I don’t know whether I should learn to forget, I don’t know whether I should see my love princess passing by silently…Do you know the feeling that no one shares in your sorrows as well as in your joy? Do you know the feeling that no one pacifies your heart materially as well as mentally? Do you know the feeling that no one comes along with you on valentine's day as well as every day? Only I, myself know what the nameless pain feels like……I know that nobody would help me, but I’m already uncontrolledly madding, terribly confused and extremely perplexed… You know, in my point of view, love makes it possible for individuals to connect to others in an specially meaningful way------ it impels us to come to know each other in profound ways. Thus, if you love someone, you should care about him/her genuinely, rather than promise a lot. You should make him/her happy, make him/her laugh and make your life entirely different from others’. If I don’t understand the exact meaning of this, we’ll part on bad terms one day even if we stayed togther for a short time. So, to build my hopes on the future is all I can do before I bet my boots on making her the happiest princess in the world. Even if I well aware that this thought might lead my passion to the horrific hell, I gotta go ahead. When I am unable to leave her stay, silence is my only choice, to face the dissapointment is all I gotta do. Every time I miss her miles away. I just wanna ask her gently and quietly: “How are you, my love?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Tomo is August 20th again, summer's birthday. For years I lived under the belief that I have to keep every promise for the one I love. I was wrong, completely wrong. You know, love is in the mind, in the past, round the corner or slipping through our fingers. We never know when and where it will appear or disappear. Happy memories always crowded in on me as I looked at the photographs of her, the one I loved so much before, the one breathed the magic of the past… What a long wait, what a big change! What if I decided right or wrong for myself, without any regard for others? What if I did whatever I wanted to, caring nothing about the consequences I might face? What if I feared loveless more than I fear being a loser, taking risks, more than I fear being hungry or cold or in danger? What if I set dowm all my “missions” and “responsibilities”, and just to pursuing my wildest dreams, to abandon my family and live each day as if it were the last day? Imagine it, just think what the world of my life would be! Hey, don’t be surprised, don’t be afraid, for this is exactly the life I had this time last year, that I was sinking as a hopeless drugger. Now, it is all right again, everything is back to nomal. In spite of this, it is a real pity that we are about to set off for each’s own destination. I have to admit, I gave up too late, I understood too late. We won’t have another chance to spend many hours in a pleasant conversation, talking about this and that, whatever and however it is. We are just friends now, but for me,it is a pity as well as luck. What about saying it like this:”We are eventually friends now. We are supposed to be common friends.” You know, you’ll never be able to sweep the one you loved so much out of your mind clearly, coz’ she/he has already been profoundly branded in your heart. Even though we broke up for reasons I could not explain, I still appreciate God, for it is God who brought us together in the vast sea of strangers. So, “encounter”, the word itself is a miracle, we are miracles and miracles are well worth appreciating… Thus, I wanna say thanks to God, to summer and to my dear princess. You witnessed the changes of my life in the past several different periods. And I wish everyone who loved me and I am loving:”Be well”! 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